2008: A year to remember

This year has been a Rollercoaster ride for most people I know. Apart from the important events, such as the Economic Recession, Mumbai Bombings, US Elections of first African American President(trying to be politically correct) and Dark knight, which I believe is one of the best movies with the best Joker the world has ever seen, this year has been personally and emotionally life changing for a lot of people including myself.

Few things I have noticed this year is our ever growing dependence for technology ( this isnt a late realisation, just realised the full extent of it) We have become such slaves to our mobile Phones, our Laptops, our PSP's, our IPods. Seems like we look at screens more than we look at our loved ones. I for one am not sure what this means, because I support and love technology but just fearing wether Im replacing microchips for loving relationships, also debating wether thats a good thing. Have we started a point of perspective where we dont need the Human Touch? Would we miss it? Are we losing out? (Duh!)

This year has been a journey for me, leaving behind the familiar smiles of my family in Dubai and more importantly my family in Bangalore.

Personal Note to My Bangalore Family:
Guys I just want to say, I didnt leave because I didnt love you guys, I left because I had to move on before my ass would be stuck in one of the plastic chairs of Barista. I can never thank you enough for everything you have done for me, you have made me the person I have grown to love through your support. You are chrerished and missed EVERYDAY. Please always remember that. Each one of have reserved a VIP seat in my heart and it aint never goin away.

This year I moved to melbourne, carrying all that heartbreak of leaving my friends and family, but for anyone who is making a transition, I would say this. At first you will not be able to stand the distance and the emptiness, but eventually life takes over and new people come into your life and heal you. In Melbourne, I met people like that, they changed everything, they were like painkillers to the heartbreak, it never truly goes away because lets face it, you cannot ever stop missing your friends and family, but these Angels help you through it. They gave me a reason to wake up in the morning and I am grateful to them. I will owe you for making me laugh and for holding my hand through it all.

Thus with this Note I would like to bid the year of 2008, adieu. It has been very eventful and bittersweet. This year might have been the worst for some people, but for me, this year with all its ups and downs has taught me something about human relationships, Something I took for granted.
Never underestimate the power of friendship and Change is sometimes the best thing that can happen to you, so take it by the horns people.
Only way to live. :)

Goodbye 2008!

Happiness

Happiness what is it?
What does it mean?
Is it a childish need?
Or perhaps its just an illusion

Are you Happy?
Or are you just content?
Do you truly believe or are you in denial?
Or perhaps you are just hopeful like millions of us

Respect, Love, Faith, is that it?
Have I cracked the puzzle?
How come I still cant breathe?
Or perhaps I was wrong all along

Happiness is that tug in your heart when you see people in love
Happiness is the longing when you see a mother with her child
Happiness is the involuntary smile you get when you see two friends laugh for no reason
Or perhaps this is just loss

The loss of Happiness in your life.

My Curly Haired Beauty

The garden of solitude is where I resided
Running among the orchards
I always saw her, the girl with the curls
Unstoppable laughter, warmth and blinding light
She brought to me
Now I realize, all this time…
I was falling toward her, towards the light
Towards my soul mate, my missing piece
She saved me, in so many ways
Her beauty came from her kindness, her humility
We have the kind of bond people only dream of
Sharing thoughts and dreams without words,
We roam this city of hope.
Singing , Dancing, Giggling
Like we are children again
She brings out the best in me,
Like I bring out the vivacity in her
She is my Curly Haired Beauty
My flower, my Friend
She has transformed me into the Goddess
Never before or after, would I be this way
It was her and her alone who inspired me
When she is away, there is only emptiness
Longing for her company and her silly laugh
I hope never to be without her again…

Ponderings of a dreamy teenager

Don't you wonder sometimes, What is it that we are meant to do? It's really a subjective question and of course it's different for all of us. I've often heard of the phrase "Do what your heart says" And personally I don't like that phrase a lot, probably because whenever I've "asked my heart", I just get even more confused, I mean it doesn't tell you anything, it's just a decision which we have to make. Something which I trust is my instinct which has got me out of sticky situations, it is more or less like a radar which tells me to clear up the mess I've made because danger is near but of course even your instinct can be wrong at times right? Then where do we turn to? Ah of course our friends opinions .Someone once told me "Opinions are like assholes, everyone has them" .At first I laughed out loud but after thinking about it, I realized how much truth there is in that sentence. I for one always ask for opinions but I never take them, I end up doing exactly what I feel like. Well those decisions mostly get me into trouble but then again that's the circle of my life. I'm stable for a while then I'd do something wild and get myself out of it quickly before it becomes too messy. It's all a vicious circle, if we take no risks life becomes boring and if life is boring we're inclined to take risks. Well I really don't know what my conclusion or point is, it's just something I sat down to think about. Now time to get up and get goin! :-)

Bound Protection

A night spent without passion
The elements that combusted into desire were present
Only her heart could not respond the way her body did
Stumbling into the grey walled cell
She tried to coax herself, touching on her own
Trying to draw out the carnal need
Everything covered in orange light and shadows
Nothing changed, Nothing turned on, Nothing on fire
Had the shield on her heart manage to numb her all over?
Suddenly the spasms, of breathlessness
She was suffocating inside her tightly wound self
Gasping for air, for hope, for light…
Hoping to wake up from this parallel universe where she was dead inside
Slowly the shadows consumed her
Swallowing her into her own vortex
Non existent….

Listening to River Flows in You on a Tuesday night

I want to remember these moments
Not because I am a sadist
Only to remember how exactly I felt
What the dark times made me
I want to remember that I curled in my bed
How my eyes looked, empty.
I need to remember how it was difficult to swallow sometimes
Since there was a huge knot in my chest
Sometimes I would place my hand on my heart
To see if it was still beating
How my face crumpled in surrender when it was too much to bear
I want to remember how alone I felt
Haunted by dreams, disappearing into thoughts
Falling, gasping, trying to hold on yet trying to let go.
This feeling, utter agony, did not let me go
It forced me to its bidding, scared me, stopped me
Most of all,
I want to remember that I had survived.
That somewhere deep inside I was waking up
I wanted to remember the bad,
So I would appreciate the good, even more.
And be thankful for each new day.

Sitting on the stone steps
I realised I was only observing now
It was the twilight of my soul
Torn, separated, cast aside, ripped from inside out
My journey is now stagnant,
I only observed the passing cars, since I did not have the courage to carry on
Everywhere there were signs of togetherness
Holding hands, looking into each other’s eyes, embraces of longing
All I could do was look away, squeeze my eyes tight
Hope the lovers would disappear when I opened them again
Hopeless in a city full of hope
The only flower that hasn’t bloomed in spring time
Love was blossoming with a blaze of hormones and promises of forever
Meanwhile I curled up on the floor, unable to let go
Loneliness spread like a disease all over, until it burnt me from within
I wished I could just pass out from the pain, but no such luck
I was alive, my heart was beating and my soul….
My soul was dancing with a fury, seducing my mind to give up
Give up now, its over, there is nothing left.
It showed me images of sweet release, the life flowing out
My soul was trying to murder me in my weakest moment
One of these days, my dear mind, please just listen.
I just want to carry on, not be an observer anymore

My farewell to her

Sitting cross legged on the pink cushions my mother picked
I watched the dawn break into its glory
A morning like so many before it,
Only I had changed into someone else
Today the tears did not run, muscles did not clench
Just a void that seems to melt within me
Many times I thought of this moment, pictured it in my head
Yet today it feels new

As she walked into the room, her eyes questioning what I am doing
My eyes met hers after which the tears did not stop
I told her my time was over
I wanted my ashes to be spread in the Arabian Ocean
So that it would wash over to India slowly
I would go back the way I came

I told her there would be mornings where she might switch on the light in my room
And I wont be there
I asked her to memorise the crinkles of my smile and the twinkle of my eyes
So that she wont forget how I looked when I was happy, when I was with her
I asked forgiveness for the times I hurt her and did not even bother to comfort her
I told her I knew what it meant to be loved
I told her she might not see my children, but I had dreamt of having them
I shared with her my life
I told her I know how much she believed in me
At the end of it allI said I did not want to go before I tell you how much I love you.

Love 101

The kind of feeling when two eyes meet
And never seem to stop looking
Searching, wondering, finding

The kind of feeling when you feel sparks inside
One touch makes you shudder with want
A brush of the strand of hair feels like eternity

The kind of unexplained jealousy
Even if someone just looks at her
She doesn’t belong to you, she is a part of you

The kind of admiration for his kindness
His honour and his noble nature
The way he makes her feel

This feeling isn’t love, it’s a god damned hallmark card
Love is what is beneath it all
Love is what is real.

Existence

I have become a Product, a mere target
My existence cannot be proven,
By thought or by my contribution
It can be defined by the perfume I use
The colour of my hair
The books on my shelf

My heart beats for no one
Its is just an organ that help me to live
My fingertips don’t touch anything
They are just part of my beautiful hands
My eyes do not look into anyone
It just stops me from tripping on the footpath

The minute I step into my branded shoes,
I cease to exist
All I want now it to feel something real.
I want to slit my wrists,
Watch the scarlet ebbs of liquid fall
Feel the pain swallow me whole
Face my creator, my energy, my god
I just want to feel safe
I just want to exist.

My Man...

Its not Superman I am looking for
It’s the man with warmth
The man who is worth the wait
A man who wont take, but share my heart

I have left what I thought was right
Now I am just confused, broken and torn
Left whatever was dear to me
Left my home, the earth I played in
The skies that I used to look at
The friends who held my hand
The lover who comforted me at night
The mother who whispered “come back to me soon”
The father who patted my shoulders
The brother who I laughed with and loved
The places that brought me hope and desire

Now it’s the void that seems to engulf me
The only place which I was never able to fill,
I am not going to play any more games,
I cant fight any longer,
I cant keep my guard up any longer,
I cant live this way any longer
Its true we are all looking for happiness,
I thought I was better off being different
Turns out I wanted all the wrong things
At the end of the day,
I just want a man who makes me laugh…
Not superman, just a man,
Who I can finally fall in love with,
One real moment, One real chance...

Rising from Shadows

The plastic curtains ruffled
As they held on to it helplessly
While the water poured,
the salt dissolved
Thus leaving no trace
of them or what they were doing

The shadows reflected a bow,
and for a while all was quiet
They justified and vented
But the knot kept tightening
Tightening into something almost tangible

Finally it could take no more
The ocean sprayed and waves crashed into the rocks
Finally it could not hold on
The plastic curtains lay still,
As they let go with purpose...

Walking across the floor
He could feel my eyes on him
The hair on his neck prickled
Slowly, deliberately, like a mating ritual, he turned around

Eyes locked, palms sweating
The music coursed through, blaring
Almost mystical, blinding lights
He walked across towards me, his eyes on fire

I was irresistible to him…
He just wanted to touch...
Next thing I remember was the taste of his skin
We kissed without coming up for air

And then…
I woke up.
My lips were burning.