Listening to River Flows in You on a Tuesday night

I want to remember these moments
Not because I am a sadist
Only to remember how exactly I felt
What the dark times made me
I want to remember that I curled in my bed
How my eyes looked, empty.
I need to remember how it was difficult to swallow sometimes
Since there was a huge knot in my chest
Sometimes I would place my hand on my heart
To see if it was still beating
How my face crumpled in surrender when it was too much to bear
I want to remember how alone I felt
Haunted by dreams, disappearing into thoughts
Falling, gasping, trying to hold on yet trying to let go.
This feeling, utter agony, did not let me go
It forced me to its bidding, scared me, stopped me
Most of all,
I want to remember that I had survived.
That somewhere deep inside I was waking up
I wanted to remember the bad,
So I would appreciate the good, even more.
And be thankful for each new day.

Sitting on the stone steps
I realised I was only observing now
It was the twilight of my soul
Torn, separated, cast aside, ripped from inside out
My journey is now stagnant,
I only observed the passing cars, since I did not have the courage to carry on
Everywhere there were signs of togetherness
Holding hands, looking into each other’s eyes, embraces of longing
All I could do was look away, squeeze my eyes tight
Hope the lovers would disappear when I opened them again
Hopeless in a city full of hope
The only flower that hasn’t bloomed in spring time
Love was blossoming with a blaze of hormones and promises of forever
Meanwhile I curled up on the floor, unable to let go
Loneliness spread like a disease all over, until it burnt me from within
I wished I could just pass out from the pain, but no such luck
I was alive, my heart was beating and my soul….
My soul was dancing with a fury, seducing my mind to give up
Give up now, its over, there is nothing left.
It showed me images of sweet release, the life flowing out
My soul was trying to murder me in my weakest moment
One of these days, my dear mind, please just listen.
I just want to carry on, not be an observer anymore